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Hello, and welcome to Lemonade Tales! Pardon the dust while I get things rolling. I hope you enjoy the stories of inspiration, courage, and grace. I am humbled by each and every person and their personal struggles. This is the …

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Death of a Dream

infertility_sucksThe tests are done. The results are in. And, unfortunately, it is not what we had hoped for.

Infertility sucks and it is actually a nightmare that I wish I could wake up from. Infertility is called the quiet or invisible disease because no one talks about it. I understand why. It is so difficult to talk about and no one really knows what to say if you do get up the courage to share. It is an extremely isolating and heartbreaking process to go through. The burden is heavy, the grief is overwhelming, and there are not many who really understand.

You see, babies are everywhere and they are filled with the good stuff in this world. Everyone loves to fuss over “Life” and all the possibilities. No one wants to talk about the death of a dream. I get it. And I will get through it, but it is a tough pill to swallow.

I wanted to have a baby. I am sad to say, we can’t have a baby on our own. After more blood work, an HSG test, acupuncture, massage, reflexology, fertility sessions with a specialist, and meetings with three surgeons, we have decided that this is the end of our hope of having biological children of our own.

I have been through a lot in this life. I am strong. But I think this is one of my life’s biggest heartbreaks. I am not sure I will ever “get over it,” but I will not let it consume the happiness life does offer us.

At the beginning of this journey, we told each other three things.

1. We would love to have a baby together.

2. We trust in God and would leave it in his hands.

3. Adoption has always been an option.

We are at the trusting God part. We do have some options that are fairly invasive, very expensive, high risk, and very low chance of working. After a lot of talking about it and listening to two different surgeons’ opinions, we just feel at this point we would be messing with nature. And even if they did work after investing about $10,000, there is a very high risk to my life. We do not judge what others decide is right for them, but we know what we feel comfortable with and that means this is the end of our dream of having our own biological child.

I am mad.

It’s not fair that it feels like so many women can just be looked at and they get pregnant. Being an Army wife doesn’t help. It seems that every 22-year old on base is pregnant or has a caravan of kids. And it seems that so many of my friends are having babies and they are so happy. They should be, I just can’t get excited about baby clothes and all the hope wrapped up in those precious baby blankets. It only serves to remind me what we can’t have. The wounds are fresh and that is pure salt.

I have been sad. So very sad.

Words cannot describe the emptiness that this has left in my heart and my gut. I so wanted to have that special moment with my husband when you find out you are pregnant. I wanted to give that to him. I wanted to share all those special moments with him. The first heart beat, the first kick, the first moment you look in their eyes. The smell of freshly-cleaned baby. The feel of a baby on my chest as it falls asleep lulling me to sleep, too. The knowing that this little being is part me and part my husband and that our love made that. I touch my belly and ache for the feel of a baby that we simply cannot have.

This grieving process for what could have been, what biology and society says we all need, and what we wanted with all of our being is beyond heart wrenching. I don’t think you ever really know how much you want something until it is not an option.

Why God?

Why can’t I have the family that has alluded me my entire life? I finally feel connected to people in ways I never knew were possible and I wanted to share that with our child. Share the family history I only just discovered. I trust in Him, He has something bigger planned for us. It is just really hard to think about that in the middle of this emotional storm.

When one door closes, another one opens.

While we are having to say goodbye to one dream, we are not giving up. We have always said adoption was an option. Even if we had our own children. We know we can give a child a good home. How that child comes to us is yet to be determined. We have not given up hope. We have simply changed the direction of our hope. We do have to grieve the dream of having our own child and also be open to our new dream. This journey is not over. I look forward to the day when we welcome a very special child into our home and hearts. That will be a gift worth celebrating!

 

 

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