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Perception Of Control

As an only child. I was always the maker of my world. From all of the imaginative situations, I created and completely immersed myself in. I was the absolute center of my parents’ attention. The apple of their eye. As I grew up, I was a natural leader and often was able to get my way through simple sharing of ideas, debate, and convincing arguments. I liked getting my way. I enjoyed doing the things I loved. I had no problem asking for what I wanted and 99% of the time, I got it. Who doesn’t want what they want when they want it.

Then I married a soldier. I quickly found out that my life was not my own anymore. I was a wife. So I had to share EVERYTHING. That was fun for my husband (said extremely sarcastically.) And the US Army controlled my husband’s life in its entirety. From where we lived, when and where we could take our vacations, to 24-hour duty and training at the last minute, to the very early wake-up calls for physical training and middle of the night parachute jumps. Working weekends and nights were pretty normal. Being gone for 4-6 weeks for training was expected. And then there were the nine-month-long deployments and permanent change of duty stations where we only had two months to move our entire lives.

I also became a step-mother. She is very demanding and doesn’t think much about what our lives need only what she needs. So we have to work around her schedule as much as we can. Much of our free time is spent going to get or dropping off my step-son. So our vacations are also controlled by someone other than myself.

We were also foster parents. Which meant we worked around classes, training, social worker visits, medical appointments, and court dates. To help kids adjust and feel some semblance of normalcy. We adopted our fourth foster child as a newborn baby. Babies are known for being on their own schedule and very demanding. 😉

I also started my own marketing consulting company after we got married and became an accidental entrepreneur. Any business owner will tell you, they work crazy hours and have no life during the first few years as they build their business. Clients’ needs come first to keep you successful. And then I added employees, which also requires attention and support 24-7.

I also struggled with many health issues from a torn labrum in my hip and needing major hip surgery in 2015 to esophagus/stomach issues requiring surgery in 2019. In 2020, Covid-19 hit. And it seemed our home was the only bubble we had to protect ourselves. I do like an organized and tidy home, and this became a huge focus as a way to cope with the pandemic. Cleaning closets, purging items, reorganizing cabinets and drawers, and knocking out all those DIY home to do projects. My home is really the only place I have some semblance of control. lol

Over the last 9 years, my life quickly transitioned to other people’s needs. I learned control is an illusion. That I needed to go with the flow as much as possible and not try to make everything perfect. That plans b, c, and d could work too. This has made me a much better person who isn’t so uptight and isn’t as demanding. I now truly pick my battles. These life lessons have been important in helping me appreciate my health, each and every moment, and staying present to enjoy life.

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